"At 19, I read a sentence that re-terraformed my head: “The level of matter in the universe has been constant since the Big Bang.”
In all the aeons we have lost nothing, we have gained nothing - not a speck, not a grain, not a breath. The universe is simply a sealed, twisting kaleidoscope that has reordered itself a trillion trillion trillion times over.
Each baby, then, is a unique collision - a cocktail, a remix - of all that has come before: made from molecules of Napoleon and stardust and comets and whale tooth; colloidal mercury and Cleopatra’s breath: and with the same darkness that is between the stars between, and inside, our own atoms.
When you know this, you suddenly see the crowded top deck of the bus, in the rain, as a miracle: this collection of people is by way of a starburst constellation. Families are bright, irregular-shaped nebulae. Finding a person you love is like galaxies colliding. We are all peculiar, unrepeatable, perambulating micro-universes - we have never been before and we will never be again. Oh God, the sheer exuberant, unlikely face of our existences. The honour of being alive. They will never be able to make you again. Don’t you dare waste a second of it thinking something better will happen when it ends. Don’t you dare"
#i feel alone
Living and co-parenting with someone who suffers from depression, who “treats” their depression daily with alcohol and weed and basically refuses to try other methods of self-help and nurturing is really fucking hard. Especially when I believe so strongly in attachment/gentle parenting and I’m forced to do almost all of the toddler soothing and patience-testing parts of the role. I feel burned out and un-nurtured at the moment in a big way. I have to ask for/prompt most of the help I get and there is no thought for what I might be needing or wanting in this situation. This is really testing me.
#the northern rivers rules
The last 48 hours have been a bit full on and by this afternoon at 4 I was feeling pretty down and over it. We went to the local produce market to get our usual load of tomatoes, passion fruit, olives, etc. and to eat at the weekly wrap stall. I went to order my wrap and the lady said with a smile “you want your usual right?”. That gave me a little happy feeling, something about being part of a community with people who remember you. Then we sat down to eat and the passion fruit man came over to us to say he was almost sold out and did we want him to put some bags aside for us. That was all I needed to get my happy back. It’s funny how just a little connection from a couple of familiar people can make me feel such a deep sense of belonging and contentment. I don’t even know their names but they and all the others who have become familiar friendly faces since we moved here make me feel like this is where I want to be. Even when I have a tough run of it and life seems a bit shit, at the end of the day I know we made a great move coming here. I can’t wait to find the perfect place to buy and to sink my roots in nice and deep. This is a good place.